Cruise passengers on deck and sunbathing

There is a book to be written about this topic alone. Passengers are fine and rule-obeying until the sun appears and then the sun lounger war commences. On transatlantic cruises is probably on day 5 and you have just sailed away from the Azores that the sun makes an appearance on winter cruises.

The truth of the matter is there is not a sun lounger for every passenger on board. Just isn’t.

So people resort to desperate measures to get a pair of sun loungers and have them placed in a sunny position. I believe it is generally the female partner who orders the act and the male obedient partner who sets off at as early as, wait for it......3.00 am to untie a pair of stacked loungers and relocate them on the deck to the favoured position. He then leaves them decorated with his own blue towels, sets of giant bulldog clips and some personal effects until they have eaten their breakfast. Only then will they return ready for a day of sunbathing.

Just occasionally the bagging of sun loungers backfires when a heavy downpour of rain at 8.00 am saturated the early riser’s towels and personal effects they’d left out on the loungers at the crack of dawn. An instance of natural justice I suppose.

Another antisocial passenger action is to squeeze sun loungers into spaces there really is no room for another pair of sun loungers to fit. What happens then is the pathways become so blocked that you can’t get to the swimming pool without weaving your way through a sun lounger maze.  Forward two steps, backward one step, sideways four steps and back off and start again!

You see, most sun loungers are only used for four or five hours max as passengers have activities to go to, meals to eat, shops to visit and shows to attend but once bagged they are held until sundown or at least until the sun moves around so that the lounger is now in shadow.  Generally, about 4.30 pm the loungers are vacated and the crew begin the job of stacking them away for the night.

Sunbathing and getting badly burnt seem to go hand in hand for many passengers. I saw a guy with a red burnt back so vivid that I had to shield my eyes from the glare. Yet he was ignorant of the state of his back. Surely one of his group of pals would have told him to cover up or step inside for a while? It’s amazing how burnt grown-up adults can get. How they underestimate the power of the sun despite living on the planet earth for 50 + years beggars belief.

Read more about life on board a modern cruise ship in “Murder On Board” (available on pre-order from 5th February 2019). This is my latest novel and available now at 99 cents or pence. 

The ship left harbour with 2,899 souls for a 50-day cruise but will be returning with significantly less. Could it be because the average age of the passengers is 73 and shit happens, old people die? 

Maybe it's because the ship is sailing 1,000 miles up the Amazon River with its precious cargo of geriatric guests placing them in an area of 100% humidity?

Or maybe it's because the Amazon River is home to the Zeka virus and the ship is sailing towards millions of female mosquitoes just waiting to attack its passengers?

Or is it simply because a killer is loose amongst them!

"Murder On Board" goes on pre-order

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Murder On Board my new crime fiction thriller goes on pre-order today and at a special Pre-Order price of  99p/99c.  Please follow this link to avail of this price - https://geni.us/FxaA8

It is scheduled for release on 2nd May 2019 via Junction Publishing.

Holidays bring out the best and worst in people. Taking an adult only cruise holiday to the sunny Caribbean in mid-winter seemed a great idea.

What could go wrong?

Join Luke and his wife on the cruise of a lifetime which is memorable for all the wrong reasons as passengers die and tensions rise.

New Crime Fiction for 2019

Cruise passengers behave badly at theater

Theatre on board

Most cruise ships of any medium to large size will have a twice-nightly show in the ship’s theatre. The theatre capacity is usually up to one thousand passengers and the show is performed twice each night so that the two thousand passengers will have the opportunity to see the show. 

Since the formal evening dinners are normally served with an early, 6.30 pm and a late 8.30 pm sittings it makes sense that the theatre’s shows commence at 8.30 pm and 10.30 pm.  However, on most adult cruises the average passenger age could be 75 and therefore most passengers will want to eat early and see the early show and be tucked up in bed by 10.30 pm. So the pressure for seats at the first show is usually great. You can ask the restaurant manager to put your name down to change to the early sitting but it’s rare that he’ll be contacting you with good news.

For the theatre shows passengers can really aggravate other passengers by the following behaviour:

1.       The woman who holds six seats when the rules clearly state you cannot reserve or hold seats.  She continues to block them as the show starts and despite repeated questions from other seat-less passengers. Finally 10 minutes into the show she relents and releases the seats.

2.       The pair of inebriated loud talking blokes that sit right behind you and fitfully take an interest in what’s going on, on the stage. Their conversation and stupid jokes will drive you round the bend and will drown out the show.

3.       Late arriving passengers who force everyone in your row to stand up so they can get to their seats and then they loudly summon a waiter to place an order and then need to go to the toilet six times during the show.

4.       The guy who has a heart attack and slumps in his seat and stops the show. OK – scratch that one. He couldn’t help himself or could he? Was he poisoned by my murderer or maybe just overindulged on an all expenses cruise? You’ll have to read the book to find out!

Read more about life on board a modern cruise ship in “Murder On Board” (available on pre-order from 5th February 2019). This is my latest novel. The ship left harbour with 2,899 souls for a 50-day cruise but will be returning with significantly less. 

Could it be because the average age of the passengers is 73 and shit happens, old people die? 

Maybe it's because the ship is sailing 1,000 miles up the Amazon River with its precious cargo of geriatric guests placing them in an area of 100% humidity?

Or maybe it's because the Amazon River is home to the Zeka virus and the ship is sailing towards millions of female mosquitoes just waiting to attack its passengers?

Or is it simply because a killer is loose amongst them?  

Cruise formal dining has deadly drawbacks

Self Service restaurant

If you have booked the cruise with a set dining time and an agreement to share with up to six other passengers then you will be sitting down to dinner every night with those six individuals. Your only escape is to pass on the formal waiter served five-course dinner in the main restaurant and pay to eat at one of several extra dining restaurants or go to eat in the self-service restaurants onboard which are free.

My character Luke and his wife Margaret booked an early dinner at 6.30 pm with six complete strangers. Their cruise duration was fifty nights. Can you imagine just how stressful that could have been if nobody got along or nobody made an effort at conversing over the interminable five-course meal each night?

I have sat and watched such a table of four who sat facing each other, in complete silence, night after night.  The two couples didn’t even bother to talk to each other much less the pair who sat stony-faced opposite them! Each night they sat in perfect silence for two hours before rising and going their separate ways.

We booked a table for four on our first cruise and sat there at 6.25 pm looking at our watches and the empty seats opposite us. Who would they be and what type of life have they lived were just two of many questions bubbling around our minds as we waited. Would they be young or old?  experienced cruisers or a couple taking their first cruise? As the minute's ticked by we gradually began to realise that there was no other couple. So for the rest of that cruise, we sat down every night with our absent partner’s empty seats opposite us.

If you booked a table for two you could just find your own conversation drying up after 50 nights. Often the table for two’s is located close to other tables for two’s so there is every chance that you’ll spark up conversations with other couples in the same predicament. 

Read more about life onboard a modern cruise ship in “Murder On Board” (available on pre-order from 5th February 2019). This is my latest novel. The ship left the harbour with 2,899 souls for a 50-day cruise but will be returning with significantly less. 

Could it be because the average age of the passengers is 73 and shit happens, old people die? 

Maybe it's because the ship is sailing 1,000 miles up the Amazon River with its precious cargo of geriatric guests placing them in an area of 100% humidity?

Or maybe it's because the Amazon River is home to the Zeka virus and the ship is sailing towards millions of female mosquitoes just waiting to attack its passengers?

Or is it simply because a killer is loose amongst them?  


Click here for the US Kindle version at $2.58 

Click here for the UK Kindle version £1.99

Click here for the US Paperback version $15.00

Click here for the UK Paperback version £11.58

Cruise laundry issues cause grief

Some cruise lines provide self-service laundries but that in itself just provides some passengers with more chances to misbehave and piss off their fellow holidaymakers. 

How would you feel if someone emptied your soaking wet clothes from the washer mid-cycle so that they can wash their own?  Not happy I’m sure!

How about people who will remove your clothes from the dryer only to replace them with their own clothes?

Or worse still, on doing the above they also end up accidentally taking a few odd socks of yours too!

Laundry run-ins are par for the course for cruises that run over a week in duration and provide the self-service laundry. There is no way to avoid clashes with passengers other than by sitting in the laundry room and guarding your smalls until they are washed and dried.

Well, there is one other avenue for washing clothes whilst on board. Hand wash in your cabin basin and use the small washing line strung across your shower.

Then finally there are the low-lives who deliberately steal your clothes as they are washed and dried and brazenly challenge you to prove your ownership when you catch up with them wearing your outfit to dinner a few nights later!

Do you feel the blood pressure rising? I do!

Read more about life onboard a modern cruise ship in “Murder On Board” (available on pre-order from 5th February 2019). This is my latest novel. The ship left the harbour with 2,899 souls for a 50-day cruise but will be returning with significantly less. 

Could it be because the average age of the passengers is 73 and shit happens, old people die? 

Maybe it's because the ship is sailing 1,000 miles up the Amazon River with its precious cargo of geriatric guests placing them in an area of 100% humidity?

Or maybe it's because the Amazon River is home to the Zeka virus and the ship is sailing towards millions of female mosquitoes just waiting to attack its passengers?

Or is it simply because a killer is loose amongst them?  


Click here for the US Kindle version at $2.58 

Click here for the UK Kindle version £1.99

Click here for the US Paperback version $15.00

Click here for the UK Paperback version £11.58

What did you pay for your cruise then?

Isn’t there always one on board? The passenger who keeps reminding you that he got his cruise for half the price you did by booking the week before sailing and he ended up with a cabin with a balcony!  It grates with you because you’d booked 6 months ago and could only get an inside cabin, located right in the bow of the ship and battered by the breaking waves.

Then another passenger who, a week into the cruise, chips in to say that they were in a cabin two doors away from yours on deck 5 but they managed to persuade the ship's officers to move them to a lovely cabin mid-ships on deck 8 because they complained louder and harder than you did about the banging and crashing noises during the night.  Your wife looks at you in an unfriendly manner and you squirm in your seat. The look is a sort of “Strap on a pair and go to Reception tonight and get us moved ya wimp!” kind of way.  You know what?  It does work. Appear in your PJs at Reception at about 2.00 am and to bare your soul to the duty officer and finish by proclaiming that you will never sail with them again. Nor will any of your large family or your partner’s family .......or your (dead) grandparents either!

Then there is always the passenger’s who have money to burn, take every expensive ship organised excursion and moan endlessly about them afterwards. Would that I had the cash to afford the excursions in the first place! Get over it guys, shit happens. Look forward to your next excursion.

Read more about life on board a modern cruise ship in “Murder On Board” (available on pre-order from 5^th February 2019). This is my latest novel. The ship left harbour with 2,899 souls for a 50-day cruise but will be returning with significantly less. 

Could it be because the average age of the passengers is 73 and shit happens, old people die? 

Maybe it's because the ship is sailing 1,000 miles up the Amazon River with its precious cargo of geriatric guests placing them in an area of 100% humidity?

Or maybe it's because the Amazon River is home to the Zeka virus and the ship is sailing towards millions of female mosquitoes just waiting to attack its passengers?

Or is it simply because a killer is loose amongst them?  

The only problem with cruises are other passengers

Unlike most forms of holiday, on a cruise holiday, you cannot choose your company. Like it or not you will be spending the whole holiday with the same group of people around you, day and night.  There is no escape from the 70,000-ton metal prison that you have signed up to, to spend the next XX days onboard.  Yes, there are excursions to enjoy and ports to visit but these are shore passes that only last a couple of hours. All too soon you will be walking up the plank and back on board your floating home.

The longer you spend with awkward, antisocial people the greater the chance you will explode and fall out with someone. With a complement of 2,000 people thrown together for any period from a week through to one hundred weeks, there will almost definitely be people who won’t get along with each other.  Remember, the only thing these passengers have in common is the ability to pay for the cruise. However, on the plus side the ships are huge with multiple decks, numerous shops and restaurants and plenty of activities to enjoy come rain or shine. But obviously people arrive with differing expectations and for some the disappointment is acute.

Public Health warning:  There now follows some huge generalisations that the author uses to make broad brush points and he now apologises in advance for any slight inadvertently delivered upon readers.

For example, there are the snobs who hanker after the golden age of cruising enjoyed in the 1950s and 1960s when a select few could afford the luxury of cruises around the Mediterranean or across the Atlantic to the Caribbean islands and the United States. Their holidays are now being shared with working class and middle-class passengers whose roots are in the industrial north of England or the rural swathes of Scotland or the council estates of London’s East End. It often doesn’t fit with the older more seasoned cruisers view of life and looks of disdain can be seen at times around the ship accompanied by “Oh really” and “That’s the limit” spoken by those who remembered, first hand, the golden years. Many of the new cruisers are ignoring the formal black and white nights and are using casual wear when dining. The ballroom dance classes are now filled with working-class lads and lasses from Birmingham, Glasgow and Liverpool trampling awkwardly on elderly cultured feet.

  

The quality of food served on the cruise liners is still the equivalent of a stay in a five-star hotel, in my humble opinion but for some, used to better that simply isn’t good enough.  The absence of caviar and other such expensive delicacies have occurred because the cruise lines widened the passenger base by lowering prices.

Admittedly too, there have been cutbacks in the quality of certain items, for example, the “Meet the ship’s captain” evening used to be celebrated with free glasses of champagne. That has now been downgraded to Prosecco.

. 

I was enjoying Burns Night on a P&O ship when an experienced cruiser remarked that in previous years the ship provided a toast of Scottish whiskey, free to every diner. Sadly that was no more. “Thin end of the wedge,” he remarked as he recalled better times.

Look, if the price wasn’t right I wouldn’t be cruising so the inclusive approach of modern cruise lines to make bigger ships which equals cheaper cruises works for me every time.

Read more about life on board a modern cruise ship in “Murder On Board” (available on pre-order from 5^th February 2019). This is my latest novel. The ship left harbour with 2,899 souls for a 50-day cruise but will be returning with significantly less. 

Could it be because the average age of the passengers is 73 and shit happens, old people die? 

Maybe it's because the ship is sailing 1,000 miles up the Amazon River with its precious cargo of geriatric guests placing them in an area of 100% humidity?

Or maybe it's because the Amazon River is home to the Zeka virus and the ship is sailing towards millions of female mosquitoes just waiting to attack its passengers?

Or is it simply because a killer is loose amongst them?