What did you pay for your cruise then?

Isn’t there always one on board? The passenger who keeps reminding you that he got his cruise for half the price you did by booking the week before sailing and he ended up with a cabin with a balcony!  It grates with you because you’d booked 6 months ago and could only get an inside cabin, located right in the bow of the ship and battered by the breaking waves.

Then another passenger who, a week into the cruise, chips in to say that they were in a cabin two doors away from yours on deck 5 but they managed to persuade the ship's officers to move them to a lovely cabin mid-ships on deck 8 because they complained louder and harder than you did about the banging and crashing noises during the night.  Your wife looks at you in an unfriendly manner and you squirm in your seat. The look is a sort of “Strap on a pair and go to Reception tonight and get us moved ya wimp!” kind of way.  You know what?  It does work. Appear in your PJs at Reception at about 2.00 am and to bare your soul to the duty officer and finish by proclaiming that you will never sail with them again. Nor will any of your large family or your partner’s family .......or your (dead) grandparents either!

Then there is always the passenger’s who have money to burn, take every expensive ship organised excursion and moan endlessly about them afterwards. Would that I had the cash to afford the excursions in the first place! Get over it guys, shit happens. Look forward to your next excursion.

Read more about life on board a modern cruise ship in “Murder On Board” (available on pre-order from 5^th February 2019). This is my latest novel. The ship left harbour with 2,899 souls for a 50-day cruise but will be returning with significantly less. 

Could it be because the average age of the passengers is 73 and shit happens, old people die? 

Maybe it's because the ship is sailing 1,000 miles up the Amazon River with its precious cargo of geriatric guests placing them in an area of 100% humidity?

Or maybe it's because the Amazon River is home to the Zeka virus and the ship is sailing towards millions of female mosquitoes just waiting to attack its passengers?

Or is it simply because a killer is loose amongst them?